Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.
Thus began our community prayer last night.
It was not the first time I'd heard this meditation before; it found me at Le Moyne, and later it found me during my year as a Franciscan Volunteer. And now as an SSJ Mission Corps Volunteer, it continues to follow me.
I resisted every bit of this prayer. My mind did jumping jacks and cartwheels; my heart kicked and screamed all the way though the moments of silence.
For me, this prayer always calls to mind the difference between the worldview I was given and the worldview I am slowly gaining. God, who could be so loving, must certainly be able to do something about all of this suffering, all of this brokenness that I encounter every day.
Somewhere between the second and third line of this meditation, I was able to step outside of my own inner tantrum and picture myself. I was flailing violently, as a small child in the throes of anguish, certain that she had just been slighted and appalled at the injustice of it all.
As I maintained my mental outburst, I saw myself comforted, held in the arms of that same loving God that I was cursing. I kept kicking, screaming, crying, and God never let go.
God was telling me exactly what to do, offering exactly what I required, but those things were presented in a way that made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to stop fighting, because I was not convinced that anything would come of the stopping.
This the same counter-intuitive block that I have toward taking some free time before I have finished everything on my to-do list: I feel like I am wasting time when I could be finishing this one thing, or this other thing. I don't know where the research is that disproves my beliefs, but I know there is some out there, and despite that, I hold fast to my entirely flawed convictions. The invitation remains:
Be still and know that I am God.
All the tools are there, all of the things that I need are right in front of me, though it might not appear that way. I just have to take the time to look at them and assume the responsibility for them.
There's a story, which I have heard many variations of, where the main character sees some sort of injustice, becomes upset, and asks God what he is going to do about it. In all of the permutations, the reply from God is the same:
"I did do something. I made YOU!"
Why is the world like this and not how I thought it would be?
What are you going to do about it?
I made you.
But I am not strong enough, brave enough, prepared enough...
And then I hear the response. It's not an answer, but somewhere in there is a promise that if I do what I am told, I will figure out what I am supposed to do next.
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know.
Be still.
Be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ma5tF6TJpA
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